In the final post on my series on the useful theories of psychoanalysis I end with some current thinking and practice which has evolved since attachment theory. In essence there has been a movement from classical psychoanalysis towards a more relational and...
Blended Family
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Blended family is a popular term right now.
The term “blended” is helpful because it is more encompassing than stepfamily and can also refer to single parents, adoptive or fostered families.
However I’m not convinced that it gives an accurate or helpful impression. The word blended has aspirations attached to it which can imply a somewhat unrealistic aim to become completely harmoniously mixed, Brady Bunch style.
One in every three people will find themselves in a blended family at least once in their lifetime.
Anyone who has experience of being in such a family will tell you how difficult it can be at times. Even dating someone with children can be challenging, whether you’re a parent or not.
The key to success and happiness in a blended family is to be objective and honest.
Aim to keep your eye on the bigger picture when things get tough. You have chosen to be in this situation because you love your partner and want to be with them. You may not have chosen for them to have children or an ex partner. But if that is the reality of their life you have to be able to accept that and move forward. Equally if you have children of your own it is important to acknowledge that their relationship with your new partner will require time and effort to grow.
If you are truly able to live with the decision to be together, without resentment, most of the time, then a healthy way to view the years ahead is as potentially very rewarding and also sometimes challenging.
Create a vision of how you want your new family to be in 5, 10, 20 years’ time.
A blended family is not the same as a first family, it never will be, but it can be one made up of individuals who enjoy spending time together, love and support each other.
Creating a blended family
Children and young people need to feel safe and secure. When creating a blended family it is important not to rush into making too many changes at once so that the children feel accepted just as they are. Gradual changes and new boundaries can be agreed upon by parents and introduced gently.
Discussing how you want the new household to work is important. Agreeing on a course of action together and carrying it out as a united front is paramount. When parent figures contradict each other it complicates relationships in any household, whether they are a ‘traditional’ or blended family.
Here are a few areas that can be discussed to begin with:
- bedtime routines
- morning routines
- mealtimes
- holidays
Whether the children live with you permanently or visit regularly these aspects of family life will impact on your relationship. They can give rise to challenges that all families face but can feel especially difficult in blended families. Prior discussion will help you to cooperate with each other and help the family settle in to its new life together.
AS IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS, COMMUNICATION IS VITAL.
Being honest with yourself about the fact that you are angry and resentful at times is healthy, it’s a perfectly natural way for all parents to feel. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Everyone with children and young people is pushed to their limit at some point. What matters is how you handle and heal upsetting situations afterwards. Focus on what can be learnt from confrontations to handle them better in future.
IF POSSIBLE, IT’S IMPORTANT TO KEEP A BROAD PERSPECTIVE ON THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF FAMILY LIFE.
On some occasions this will mean becoming the bigger person, keeping calm with everyone involved and waiting for a more appropriate time to discuss the matter in hand.
Regularly making time for yourself and your own relaxation is important, as is having quality time alone with your partner. After all, you two are the reason you are creating a blended family in the first place!
Other resource:
Relate – The challenges of living in a ‘blended family’
Read my previous blog: Internet Dating – Part 3