Narcissism

The term ‘narcissism’ is banded around a lot. But what does being a narcissist actually mean? And how do we work out if we are in a relationship with one, or even if we might be one ourselves? 

Origins of Narcissism 

The term narcissism comes from Greek mythology. Narcissus was a young hunter. On account of his incredible good looks, he was popular with young women and men but showed little interest in their advances, leaving many broken hearts along the way. 

Whilst on a journey one day, he stopped at a pool to get a drink and saw his own reflection in the water. He was astounded by how handsome he was and stayed at the pool side admiring himself. After failing to touch or kiss his reflection successfully, he still could not tear himself away. He was so entranced that he forgot all about continuing his journey or even to find food. He faded away gradually and died by the side of the pond. 

The myth of Narcissus became a warning to the Greeks of how vanity and self-absorption can take over one’s life and ruin it. Legend has it that a flower bloomed where he died, and this is how the flower narcissus got its name.

What Freud said about Narcissism

In psychoanalysis, the term was first made most famous by Sigmund Freud.

In 1914, he published an essay “On Narcissism: An Introduction.”

where he relayed his concept of narcissism as consisting of 2 types:
 

Primary Narcissism – the self-importance and self-belief that all children have in their early years. 

Secondary Narcissism – the unhealthy side of self-importance in adulthood, often shaped by adverse circumstances in early development   

As ever, the founding theories of psychoanalysis have developed and changed over the decades. We still work with narcissism today and the common term refers more to Freud’s concept of secondary narcissism.

What Is Narcissism Today?

I find it helpful to think of narcissism on a continuum.

At the beginning of this, we have adults who are not narcissistic at all. They do not think much of themselves; lack confidence and do not feel even mildly self-important. They do not live their life to the full, put everyone else before themselves and will often disregard, or even be totally unaware of, their own desires and wishes. 

At the other end of this continuum, is someone who presents with extreme narcissism. They may appear arrogant, self-important and absorbed, condescending; and totally lacking the sensitivity to think about, or empathise with others.  They can become so wrapped up in themselves and their own bubble, that they find it hard to experience life in a realistic way. Others may even experience them as a little delusional at times. 

Why and How do People Become Narcissistic? 

The reasons for developing narcissism, or narcissistic traits, can be complex and often – as many things are – rooted in how we were brought up as children.   Paradoxically, the origins of narcissistic behaviour can be quite polarised. Traits can emerge from being either OVER-indulged as a child:  spoilt, over-praised, encouraged to put themselves before others, taught to believe they are never in the wrong …

or traits can emerge from being UNDER valued as a child: ignored, overlooked, criticised, punished, neglected, taught to believe they do not matter.  

Indeed, these people never transition properly from the developmental stage of childlike self-importance (primary narcissism) by either having it encouraged and entrenched too deeply by caregivers and/or teachers…or not acknowledged at all. Both childhood experiences can result in adult narcissism to a greater or lesser degree. 

A place somewhere in the middle of the continuum is preferable – as adults we must have a sense of agency: that we count and can operate in the world with self-regard, but not self-importance. There is a difference.

Can I Help A Narcissist?

Those with narcissistic traits often don’t ask for help because they don’t see their behaviour as damaging to themselves and/or challenging to others, often seeing other people as extensions of themselves. 

However, if something goes seriously wrong for them – an important relationship or job is at stake for example – they may accept assistance and be willing to open up. 

How Can I Live or Work with a Narcissist?

It takes patience and determination to be in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits. You might be so used to putting them first because they constantly demand attention, but this dynamic must change if the relationship is worth saving. 

Perhaps start by gradually sharing more of your views or wishes about things rather than end up agreeing with theirs just to keep the peace.  Your opinions or feelings are as important as theirs and they need to truly understand this.  It may take time and repetition –  but it will be worth it when they start to appreciate you more fully. If the above feels too difficult for you to tackle by yourself, you may find it helpful to get some support from close family or a friend or a professional.  

Working with Narcissism in Psychotherapy

The aim of working with narcissistic characteristics in psychotherapy is to gently explore them. To gradually uncover the reasons why the person may feel they have to inflate themselves with others. Often this has become such an automatic way of life that they aren’t even aware they are doing it. 

Once we can talk about these parts of the psyche, the person comes to realise that these aren’t helpful characteristics, and they need to change themselves so they can become more genuine. Our aim for the work is to move the person from the top end of the continuum towards the middle, so they lose their arrogance and defensiveness and have enough confidence and belief in themselves to have healthy relationships and a fuller and honest life.