John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory Attachment Theory is a well-known and widely accepted concept in human development and psychotherapy. British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed it in the 1950s. The crux of attachment theory is that the early emotional bonds between...
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott Continuing my series on the founders of psychoanalysis I'm exploring Donald Winnicott this month. Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) was a paediatrician who then trained as a psychoanalyst, first to adults and later to...
The Importance of Melanie Klein
The Importance of Melanie Klein Melanie Klein was a groundbreaking and highly creative psychoanalyst. She was born in 1882 in Vienna but spent most of her life in UK, dying in London in 1960. Her life was fascinating, with many losses and tragedies but...
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today?
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today? Carl Gustav Jung was born into a religious family in Switzerland and studied to be a doctor. During these studies he became fascinated with current philosophy, anthropology and psychological theories and work in...
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today Prompted by last month’s blog on Narcissism, this is the first in a series on some of the founding members in psychoanalysis and some of their ideas, many of which, I believe, are still useful for us today. Widely...
Narcissism
Narcissism The term 'narcissism' is banded around a lot. But what does being a narcissist actually mean? And how do we work out if we are in a relationship with one, or even if we might be one ourselves? Origins of Narcissism The term narcissism comes from...
The Art of Self-soothing 4: Using Our Senses
Using Our Senses This final post in my series is about using our bodily senses to self-soothe. There are lots of ways that we can self-sooth by looking. Sight Natural Vistas As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, nature and landscapes are very calming. For...
The Art of Self-soothing 3: Creativity
Creativity is a sure way to self-soothe. People have lost themselves in creative pursuits since time began. Getting in touch with our creativity is a way of reaching something within ourselves. By allowing this to develop we can usually make something bigger than...
The Art of Self-Soothing 2: Nature
This month’s way to self soothe is by being in nature. It’s long been known and proven that being outside and preferably in nature can improve our mental health. Take a Short Walk The simplest ways are often the most effective. Such as going for a short walk from your...
The Art of Self Soothing
There is so much going on in the world now. It’s hard watching the news, in fact I am more likely to just quickly check a news ap than I am to watch the news in real time. Many people I speak to are unable to watch the news at all because they struggle to think of the...
Who Do You Think You Are?
How Do You Want To Come Across Online?
We all know someone who exaggerates their life online – we see the ‘official’ glitzy positive image they put on social media. For example, posts of holiday snaps look amazing but, when we meet to hear about the holiday in person, we hear about how awful the hotel was, how cold the pool was and how everyone got a stomach bug. But that’s certainly not what the family wanted to portray online.
So how do we decide how our information comes across online? How honest do we want to be? And…
Who Do You Want To Be?
It’s interesting how we can become so interested in our online image. To some people getting ‘likes’ is vital to their self-esteem. Our online presence can feel like a reflection of people accepting us or not. Parents of teenagers know how important Tik Tok video ‘likes’ are.
In these days of influencers and online businesses it’s important to come across well and be popular online. ‘Likes’ and endorsements affect the amount of marketing and adverts which can be sold and directly impact income.
The Downsides of Becoming Popular
- Being very popular can also have its shadow sides. It can lead to a false sense of importance and obsession with ourselves and we can develop some narcissistic traits. Self-absorption or narcissism can mean that by focussing so much ourselves we become distant in relationships – both online and in reality.
- Too much attention may lead to being stalked or trolled. Jesy Nelson (British pop singer) and more recently Olivia Attwood (British TV presenter and model) made programmes on trolling which highlight the suffering and dangers some well-known people contend with.
- At the other end of the spectrum is what is known as ‘being cancelled’. That is when our online persona is totally ignored, and our online voice is effectively silenced. This can be felt as a massive rejection and may seriously affect our confidence and self-worth making us question ourselves and our actions.
It can be risky to have an opinion and speak out about what we feel is important eg JK Rowling and sex and gender issues. I feel the current debate over free speech and what is ok to talk about and what is not will run and run. It takes bravery to continue speaking out even when one has been cancelled. (Please note, I’m not talking about people who’ve committed offences and crimes).
Can I Come Back From My Mistakes?
There’s a saying that there’s no such thing as bad publicity but sometimes bad publicity can have severe results. The current online zeitgeist rarely offers forgiveness and an understanding that everyone makes mistakes and should be able to come back from something after an explanation and apology.
Once we have put something online it’s there forever. How many people do you know who regret content they put online ages ago? Maybe the embarrassing photos from your headier days years ago can be found online when you go for a job interview years later?
We all develop and change and hopefully mature over the years but it’s worth taking some time to think if what we are posting is appropriate for our audience. Or will we live to regret it later?
Where Do I Draw My Boundaries? How Do I Choose What Feels Ok To Put Online?
Here are some useful questions to think and talk about when you are deciding your way forward with your online presence:
- Does this feel ok to put online now and how will we feel about it in 5 or 10 years’ time?
- Do I have other people’s permission to share this?
- Where is the line between sharing our fun times and adventures and sharing too much?
- Who and how many people do I want to share our content with?
- Where do I want this content to be posted? Will it be to the general public or just with my contacts?
How Authentic Are You Online?
When Should I Post?
As well as answering the questions above we need to give ourselves space to think about what we are posting and try not to be impulsive. That’s easier said than done in today’s atmosphere of instant gratification. It can feel difficult to pause and consider what we are about to do or to wait for a clearer way ahead to emerge. But it’s always best to take a breath, or two, or distract yourself with something else for a while and then go back to the conversation or content with fresh eyes and a more objective state of mind.
How Do We Figure Out Our Online Persona?
I believe the answer lies in valuing ourselves. Believing that who we are is OK enough. Feeling comfortable with who we are right now without the need for praise and affirmation from others, online or face to face.
Being mindful of how we live our life and who and what we value in it are the touchstones of a strong character. These qualities will keep us steady when life gets challenging and give us the strength to ask for help when we need it.
If we are kind with ourselves and keep things in perspective in everyday life then we will care less about affirmation from others both off and online and this confidence will organically and naturally blend into our online persona.