John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory Attachment Theory is a well-known and widely accepted concept in human development and psychotherapy. British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed it in the 1950s. The crux of attachment theory is that the early emotional bonds between...
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott Continuing my series on the founders of psychoanalysis I'm exploring Donald Winnicott this month. Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) was a paediatrician who then trained as a psychoanalyst, first to adults and later to...
The Importance of Melanie Klein
The Importance of Melanie Klein Melanie Klein was a groundbreaking and highly creative psychoanalyst. She was born in 1882 in Vienna but spent most of her life in UK, dying in London in 1960. Her life was fascinating, with many losses and tragedies but...
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today?
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today? Carl Gustav Jung was born into a religious family in Switzerland and studied to be a doctor. During these studies he became fascinated with current philosophy, anthropology and psychological theories and work in...
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today Prompted by last month’s blog on Narcissism, this is the first in a series on some of the founding members in psychoanalysis and some of their ideas, many of which, I believe, are still useful for us today. Widely...
Narcissism
Narcissism The term 'narcissism' is banded around a lot. But what does being a narcissist actually mean? And how do we work out if we are in a relationship with one, or even if we might be one ourselves? Origins of Narcissism The term narcissism comes from...
The Art of Self-soothing 4: Using Our Senses
Using Our Senses This final post in my series is about using our bodily senses to self-soothe. There are lots of ways that we can self-sooth by looking. Sight Natural Vistas As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, nature and landscapes are very calming. For...
The Art of Self-soothing 3: Creativity
Creativity is a sure way to self-soothe. People have lost themselves in creative pursuits since time began. Getting in touch with our creativity is a way of reaching something within ourselves. By allowing this to develop we can usually make something bigger than...
The Art of Self-Soothing 2: Nature
This month’s way to self soothe is by being in nature. It’s long been known and proven that being outside and preferably in nature can improve our mental health. Take a Short Walk The simplest ways are often the most effective. Such as going for a short walk from your...
The Art of Self Soothing
There is so much going on in the world now. It’s hard watching the news, in fact I am more likely to just quickly check a news ap than I am to watch the news in real time. Many people I speak to are unable to watch the news at all because they struggle to think of the...
It’s been difficult for many of us over the last year. So many changes here in the UK. At times it felt like change was the new normal, in fact, change was the constant. As restrictions are lifted there are more shifting sands, because there’s yet more uncertainty with the delta variant on the increase.
To live with things when they feel uncertain, uncomfortable or when life is not going according to plan can be very unsettling and anxiety provoking. Sometimes we can feel a strong frustration or have a niggling feeling that something isn’t right, but we just can’t put our finger on it. The ability to wait until things become clearer can be difficult and feel downright impossible at times.
In psychoanalytic terms this period of instability and indecision is called the ‘not-knowing’ stance. When we are in the ‘not-knowing’ we yearn for an answer, for something to shift so that we can move on to whatever is next. This includes so many situations:
- maybe we are waiting to visit loved ones we haven’t seen for months
- for a job application to come to fruition
- to finally have a date with someone we’ve been communicating with for ages
- to work out where and how to have a much-needed holiday
So how do we manage uncertainty? In this really difficult ‘not-knowing’ phase?
Well, we can go on autopilot and manage it the way we usually do:
- carry on as normal and avoid it
- continue as we are and wait for change to happen
- compare ourselves to others and feel resentful
- make a knee jerk decision immediately, which will end this uncomfortable period and take us into the next
- feel frustrated and bitter and concentrate on the negativity of our situation
Or we can do something different…
To help us manage uncertainty, we can try not to judge the situation we are in. Just accept it for what it is. We are where we are. Then we can figure out something to do about it if that’s possible.
We can actively resist the autopilot response we may have internalised over the years. So, when we catch ourselves behaving in our usual unhealthy patterns, for example in a critical or resentful way, we need to stop ourselves and think of a more useful behaviour that we can choose instead.
We can recognise the situation we are in and remain open minded. Taking time to make ourselves fully aware of our situation and what is going on is the starting point. Then we can consider it thoughtfully, looking at it from all angles and preferably with someone else for an objective point of view.
Then we may be able to work out what is causing the situation which will help us think of a course of action we can take.
The upheavals of the last year have brought up many issues which were previously buried, in: relationships, values, job satisfaction and our living environment. It will be good if we can give ourselves the time to stick with the unsatisfying situation whilst we explore these issues in greater depth rather than make knee jerk decisions about them.
Sitting in the ‘not-knowing’ can be challenging. We live in a society which is very immediate. Technology and social media have increased our expectancy of things happening instantaneously. People expect answers immediately and cannot wait for responses. This makes delayed gratification harder to wait for. So being in a situation which isn’t clear or is confusing becomes increasingly difficult to bear.
Unfortunately, our current state of being is uncertain. Globally we are in a state of flux, and this filters down through governments, organisations, schools, businesses and families. Holding onto the fact that we are all in the same boat and it’s perfectly normal and ok to be anxious about experiencing the not knowing can help.
If we are able to hang on, manage uncertainty, and stick with being in this not-knowing state, we can benefit from:
- becoming more comfortable with ambiguity
- trusting our intuition
- being open to new ideas and outcomes
Knowing that we are in a difficult place allows us to make the most of it. As John Lennon sang:
“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.”