John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory Attachment Theory is a well-known and widely accepted concept in human development and psychotherapy. British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed it in the 1950s. The crux of attachment theory is that the early emotional bonds between...
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott Continuing my series on the founders of psychoanalysis I'm exploring Donald Winnicott this month. Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) was a paediatrician who then trained as a psychoanalyst, first to adults and later to...
The Importance of Melanie Klein
The Importance of Melanie Klein Melanie Klein was a groundbreaking and highly creative psychoanalyst. She was born in 1882 in Vienna but spent most of her life in UK, dying in London in 1960. Her life was fascinating, with many losses and tragedies but...
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today?
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today? Carl Gustav Jung was born into a religious family in Switzerland and studied to be a doctor. During these studies he became fascinated with current philosophy, anthropology and psychological theories and work in...
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today Prompted by last month’s blog on Narcissism, this is the first in a series on some of the founding members in psychoanalysis and some of their ideas, many of which, I believe, are still useful for us today. Widely...
Narcissism
Narcissism The term 'narcissism' is banded around a lot. But what does being a narcissist actually mean? And how do we work out if we are in a relationship with one, or even if we might be one ourselves? Origins of Narcissism The term narcissism comes from...
The Art of Self-soothing 4: Using Our Senses
Using Our Senses This final post in my series is about using our bodily senses to self-soothe. There are lots of ways that we can self-sooth by looking. Sight Natural Vistas As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, nature and landscapes are very calming. For...
The Art of Self-soothing 3: Creativity
Creativity is a sure way to self-soothe. People have lost themselves in creative pursuits since time began. Getting in touch with our creativity is a way of reaching something within ourselves. By allowing this to develop we can usually make something bigger than...
The Art of Self-Soothing 2: Nature
This month’s way to self soothe is by being in nature. It’s long been known and proven that being outside and preferably in nature can improve our mental health. Take a Short Walk The simplest ways are often the most effective. Such as going for a short walk from your...
The Art of Self Soothing
There is so much going on in the world now. It’s hard watching the news, in fact I am more likely to just quickly check a news ap than I am to watch the news in real time. Many people I speak to are unable to watch the news at all because they struggle to think of the...
Mother’s Day means different things for all of us. It can conjure up wonderful images and memories of young children making cute cards, or posies of garden flowers or precovid family lunches with 3 or 4 generations present. This year Mother’s Day will be like no other in the UK, but thankfully deliveries can help us with flowers, cards and presents so that mothers aren’t forgotten even though they’re not allowed to be visited.
A maternal figure is important in our lives. She may be our birth mother, adopted mother or any other significant positive female influence. At some point in our life, she provided love, nourishment and security. She may also have been a relative, teacher, or colleague and was important and influential in our life. She may not have been around for long, but she made a deep impression on us and may also have inspired us.
As happy as it is for many, Mother’s Day can also evoke more ambivalent images. Many people find Mother’s Day challenging. It has become more commercial over the years and it’s now pretty much impossible to avoid it altogether. The day can bring up difficult feelings for a lot of us including:
- memories of a mother or grandmother who has passed away
- increasing awareness of an unsatisfactory relationship we have with our mother
- a difficult relationship we have with our mother-in-law, stepdaughter or daughter-in-law
- difficulties in becoming a mother
- mourning the loss of a baby or child
- grieving the inability to become a mother
- mourning the realisation of not becoming a grandmother
Loss
The common experience running through all these situations is loss. The loss of a life and the profound impact it can have on us. Or the awareness that a relationship is not one we would wish for or choose. Or the loss of a hope or dream.
It’s important to acknowledge the complex effect this loss has had so that in time we are able to grieve and accept it. We need to give ourselves the time and space to mourn the loss and give it the respect and attention it deserves.
At a recent burial I attended, the celebrant spoke some beautiful words about mourning. He spoke about how at the beginning of a loss we think about the person all the time, how over time we gradually think about them less often until eventually we think of them occasionally. That they will always come up in our memory when fleeting everyday experiences remind us of them. We may think of our lost loved ones less often, but we hold part of them in ourselves, in our memory, for the rest of our life.
It’s especially helpful if we can talk about people we have lost with others who also knew them. To share memories and thoughts of them with someone else helps us reappreciate them and accept that whilst they may not be with us anymore, we carry them with us in our individual ways.
I recommend a book about loss: Griefworks and of course, the national organisation Cruse offers bereavement counselling including a telephone helpline at the moment.
It can help to know that we are not alone. That Mother’s Day can be bittersweet for many of us, especially this year.
Although Mother’s Day is a celebration for many, we may also experience poignant moments and tears. When it feels difficult, be kind to yourself, and remember that this is understandable and ok. Once we’ve acknowledged our memory, loss and sadness it will pass.