In the final post on my series on the useful theories of psychoanalysis I end with some current thinking and practice which has evolved since attachment theory. In essence there has been a movement from classical psychoanalysis towards a more relational and...
Are You Ready To Date Again?
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory Attachment Theory is a well-known and widely accepted concept in human development and psychotherapy. British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed it in the 1950s. The crux of attachment theory is that the early emotional bonds between...
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott
The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott Continuing my series on the founders of psychoanalysis I'm exploring Donald Winnicott this month. Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) was a paediatrician who then trained as a psychoanalyst, first to adults and later to...
The Importance of Melanie Klein
The Importance of Melanie Klein Melanie Klein was a groundbreaking and highly creative psychoanalyst. She was born in 1882 in Vienna but spent most of her life in UK, dying in London in 1960. Her life was fascinating, with many losses and tragedies but...
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today?
Carl Jung – Is He Relevant Today? Carl Gustav Jung was born into a religious family in Switzerland and studied to be a doctor. During these studies he became fascinated with current philosophy, anthropology and psychological theories and work in...
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today
How Freud Is Still Relevant Today Prompted by last month’s blog on Narcissism, this is the first in a series on some of the founding members in psychoanalysis and some of their ideas, many of which, I believe, are still useful for us today. Widely...
Narcissism
Narcissism The term 'narcissism' is banded around a lot. But what does being a narcissist actually mean? And how do we work out if we are in a relationship with one, or even if we might be one ourselves? Origins of Narcissism The term narcissism comes from...
The Art of Self-soothing 4: Using Our Senses
Using Our Senses This final post in my series is about using our bodily senses to self-soothe. There are lots of ways that we can self-sooth by looking. Sight Natural Vistas As I’ve already mentioned in a previous post, nature and landscapes are very calming. For...
The Art of Self-soothing 3: Creativity
Creativity is a sure way to self-soothe. People have lost themselves in creative pursuits since time began. Getting in touch with our creativity is a way of reaching something within ourselves. By allowing this to develop we can usually make something bigger than...
The Art of Self-Soothing 2: Nature
This month’s way to self soothe is by being in nature. It’s long been known and proven that being outside and preferably in nature can improve our mental health. Take a Short Walk The simplest ways are often the most effective. Such as going for a short walk from your...
Fed up being single?
Feeling lonely when you are single is common for many people. In fact, it’s normal at times. Do you find yourself alone and lacking compared to your doubled friends’ evenings together? Do you wish you also had someone to go running with, lie in with, date night with, or snuggle on the sofa with? It’s worth taking the time to ask yourself what you want. Really want. Do you want some fun with no commitment? Do you want something longer term? Or do you want Mr, Ms, or Mx Forever?
On the rebound?
It’s best to wait at least several months after a breakup before you start dating again. This gives you time to reflect on what happened in your last relationship. There are always lessons to be learned from what happened before and it’s good to give yourself time and space to think about this and talk it over with someone you trust.
Are you truly over your last partner?
Do you feel angry every time you think of them? Or do you still hold a torch for them? – privately hoping that you will hear from them and the relationship can be rekindled. Either way if you find yourself thinking of them often you may not be over them and it could be too early to start dating again. Chances are you will constantly be comparing any new people you meet to your last partner. Everybody is unique and when you are ready to appreciate someone very different from your last partner that’s a good sign. When you are happy single: you can enjoy your own company and time spent with friends and family you are in a healthy place and are ready to date again.
What do you want?
It’s important to be honest with yourself and work out what you are seeking. Once you’ve established what you are ready for at this stage of your life, you need to work out how you are going to find your match. Hook ups and someone for fun are easier to find and there are plenty of apps and websites which can help you find someone like-minded.
Many people meet their long-term partner online dating. It works, you will have fun, meet people and hopefully meet someone special. But before you get started it’s wise to think about some of the complications of dating.
3 Complications of Dating
1. Dating Takes Time
Putting yourself out there takes time. You will need to write a profile and find or take some good pictures. Once your profile is live the work starts. You will need to view profiles and contact people. Getting to know them is time consuming. Be prepared to spend at least an hour a day communicating with people whilst you are actively looking. Once you start meeting people for dates it will take even more time out of your week. Dating can take up as much time as you choose, but it can feel like a full-time job at times, especially if you are focussed on finding a successful date over a limited number of months.
2. Dating Takes Energy
As well as time, dating takes energy. It’s best to leave launching yourself out there until you have the enthusiasm for it. You’ll need to have enough ooomph to be and sound interesting yourself and be interested in others. Also, you’ll need to have the vitality to care about how you come across, in personality and also in appearance, e.g., making some effort with your outfits. It’s good to understand that you are unlikely to find Mr, Ms, or Mx Right initially, so you are going to need energy and enthusiasm to stay in the game…
3. Dating Takes Resilience
Following on from needing energy and enthusiasm you are also going to need resilience. Dating is a numbers game, and it takes staying power. You need to realise that you are probably not going to meet your ideal future partner on your first date. There are bound to be knockbacks and rejections and disappointments. People do not always come across as they initially present themselves, which can be frustrating. I’m thinking of the guy who sports silver fox hair and plenty of laughter lines, but his profile photo showed brown hair and was taken several years ago.
It takes grit to keep emailing new people when you have been ghosted several times. It may begin to feel like work; like wearing the same outfit for all first dates to keep things simple. I’ve even heard of people who make a note of which outfit they wore for which date with which person to avoid repetition!
The Rewards
In essence, if you think you really want someone special and are willing to put in some effort and commitment it will be worth the effort. Just like dating, relationships, take a lot of time and commitment. So, getting good at dating can be great practice for getting good at being in a relationship. The rewards are high. Having a partner for fun, friendship, sex, support, and companionship is very rewarding for a lot of people. It may be hard work getting there but it can be well worth it in the end.
Read my previous blog: How to manage anxiety – in the coronavirus pandemic