The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott

The Helpful Ideas of Donald Winnicott

Continuing my series on the founders of psychoanalysis I’m exploring Donald Winnicott this month.

Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) was a paediatrician who then trained as a psychoanalyst, first to adults and later to children. He developed Melanie Klein’s important work with mothers and children. His famous quote was, ‘there is no such thing as a baby’, referring to the fact that a baby is never alone. There is always a parent with the baby. Winnicott was instrumental in child development and in the 1940s and 1950s presented regular radio programmes on parenting and offered everyday psychological advice and support during the Second World War.

Winnicott’s Concept of Being ‘Good Enough’

The first part of Winnicott’s theory which I work with is a very well-known concept of being ‘good enough’. Winnicott introduced this concept in relation to mothers. The ‘good enough’ mother is a non-judgemental supportive term which means that the mother has done enough for her baby. It implies that she is not perfect, but she has done enough to nurture the baby adequately for its health and development.

I recently heard someone say that they found the ‘good enough’ statement negative, however, I believe the opposite is true. This term takes away the pressure of perfectionism. There is so much pressure in society to be the best you can be in all aspects of your life that in parenting and relationships it can lead to too high expectations which are not able to be fulfilled.

Aiming for ‘good enough’ allows room for small failures and disappointments. As babies develop, they need to gradually learn to wait for mum’s attention and care. Being able to manage their own frustrations when this happens at the appropriate age is part of them learning resilience. This helps them grow up and be able to be independent later. As well as being healthy for the child it is much healthier for the care giver who can let themselves off the hook and hopefully become more in tune with baby as a result.

The concept of being ‘good enough’ can relate to any aspect of life. It doesn’t mean that we only do the bare minimum: it means that we do our best under the circumstances we are in and that that will be sufficient. An example of this could be this blog post. It will be the best I can do under the circumstances I am currently in. I could spend another day tinkering with it and doing more research and continually editing it, but I also need to prepare for my week ahead and cook dinner so hopefully this is a good enough post to go to out after the second edit.

Winnicott’s Concept of False Self and True Self

This is a later theory from Winnicott which leads naturally on from the ‘good enough’ mother. If all goes well enough with their early development, the child develops into their true self. This means that they can be themselves by being creative, spontaneous and, most importantly, authentic and become an adult in the same way.

However, according to Winnicott, if things did not go so well in childhood and the parent was not able to be attuned enough then the child is not able to be fully authentic. If a child cannot trust that the parent will turn up for them when they need them or has such hard rules to follow that they think of the rules before anything else, they can form a protective shell around themselves. This can stifle their natural expression and spontaneity.

Over time this stifling suppresses their natural wants and desires, and they learn to adapt to the situation they are in rather than expressing themselves honestly. This is the creation of the false self. If it is internalised over time it can result in a difficulty or even an inability in developing intimate relationships. This can manifest as an inability to be authentic and honest with others and a feeling of dissatisfaction in other areas of life such as being successful at work but feeling empty and unfulfilled, nonetheless.

In psychotherapy we work with the false self and clients who have feelings of not being good enough. The therapy room provides the space for the client to be looked after and attuned to regularly and in a good enough way to compensate for what they may have missed out on in infancy and childhood. This allows them to explore areas of their life that have felt too difficult before. In this creative space they can recognise aspects of their false self and in time become more honest with themselves and learn to live in a more authentic way with emphasis on their true selves which can lead to more healthy relationships and a more fulfilling life.